Look, I like Rick Ross' music because I used to like professional wrestling.

Was The Undertaker a real undertaker? No. He wasn't even a real wrestler. This is because wrestling isn't real, it's theater. Just like rap. Debating whether Rick Ross actually sold all the drugs he says he sold is a fruitless exercise. He actually makes this easy for us because in this album (and its accompanying mixtape) he schizophrenically says he is or compares himself to many people. Including his namesake (an actual ex-drug dealer who just lost a lawsuit he had filed against our protagonist for defamation), he also recounts Big Meech, Larry Hoover, MC Hammer, Albert Anastasia, John Gotti, John Lennon, Terrell Owens, and Scarface (presumably Al Pacino's and not that of Paul Muni or Brad Jordan) among others.

Is he actually any of these people? No!

He's William Leonard Roberts II (Billy Bob?) and he, along with his philharmonic stable of producers, have done an increasingly dope job these last four years of painting soundscapes of a larger than life personality who engages in criminal activity, has lots of sex, and occasionally contemplates the meaning of it all. Teflon Don is the latest chapter in this saga and, like it or not, it is also the hottest album of an equally hot summer. It's certainly not a perfect album, but it gets the job of escaping into another world through music done quite well. Besides, it's too damn hot out to be so serious.

1. "I'm Not A Star" (prod. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

This Was Hot: You can't go wrong with fanfaring horns in your lead-off track.

This Was Not: I don't like hearing Ross say the word "titty."

Honorable Mention: As he did in the track "300 Soldiers," he pays tribute to Master P's signature "uggggggghhhhhhhhhhh." Many of today's artists owe P. Miller royalties for their (BRR!) adlibs (AYE!) and (OKAY!) various nonsensical sounds (YUUUUURRRP!).

2. "Free Mason" feat. Jay-Z (prod. The Inkredibles)

This Was Hot: Ross: "My top back like JFK / they wanna push my top back like JFK / so, so I JFK, join forces with the kings and we ate all day" See what he did there was...

This Was Not: Jay-Z: "Bitch I said I was amazin' / not that I'm a mason" Though it's great that Hov decided to address the rumors, his verse and that bar in particular was very amateur. He must be emotional, which I guess was the point.

Honorable Mention: I guarantee that you're going to sing along with John Legend at the end. "Never say Legend didn't go innnnn..."

3. "Tears of Joy" feat. Cee-Lo Green (prod. No I.D.)

This Was Hot: I really like this song, especially the Bobby Seale clip at the beginning. I had never heard any audio of him before. The "New" "Black Panther Party" should be embarrassed, principally by their own existence but also by the fact that they are nowhere near the intelligence of any of the original Panthers. They also can't touch Bobby's skills on the grill.

This Was Not: Ross: "I wanna walk in the image of Christ / but that bitch Vivica nice." Even if listeners don't have an affinity for Christ, everyone can agree that this line is stupid. She's the old girlfriend of your nemesis, Ross. Are you saying you got with her? You're saying you got seconds? Why would you say that? You also, on THIS SAME ALBUM, said "Funny you claimin' the same bitch that I'm penetratin'" What are you talking about? WTF? WWJD? GTFOHWTBSVERYFUNNY.

Honorable Mention: The percussion features no snares, only bass. I didn't pick that up until the third listen.

4. "Maybach Music III" feat. TI, Jadakiss, Erykah Badu (prod. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

This Was Hot: Everything. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League makes records like they got cut from the local orchestra when they were kids. All the lyrical contributions are memorable.

This Was Not: Nothing.

Honorable Mention: Earth Mother Badu comes with the subtle ABBA street poetry scheme: "Everybody know / how the story goes / money and the clothes / they gon' come and go." She's also going to direct the video, which will be cool unless Ross decides to duplicate her "Window Seat" strip-down. It's very clear that he has ambitionz az an exhibitionizt.

5. "Live Fast, Die Young" feat. Kanye West (prod. Kanye West, No I.D.)

This Was Hot: This is tough, because nothing about this song impresses me. I guess they do a good job of making this a singalong anthem. I don't want to die young, though.

This Was Not: Kanye's verse is ultra lazy on this track. It reminds me of the throwaway bars (and beat) on the Teriyaki Boyz's "I Still Love H.E.R." He's gonna have to come harder than this if he really wants to be back. Also, Ross, don't casually toss around comments about miscarriages. That's not cool.

Honorable Mention: Oh wait, the "Hey" sample comes from James Brown's "Funky President," which was sampled in Ghostface's "Mighty Healthy," which I did like.

6. "Super High" feat. Ne-Yo (prod. Clark Kent, The Remedy)

This Was Hot: If you're gonna have a "song for da ladiez" you need to have ol' Shaffer Chimere on it. This is a good one.

This Was Not: Son. Come on. Don't say this: "We doin' it big / it's goin' down / 9-11." Jay-Z got away with his superfluous 9-11 references on BP3's "Thank You," but he's Hov and he also did a giant concert for the families. Of the many people you think you are, you know that you are not him. Don't be disrespectful.

Honorable Mention: This song is good, but I want to mention another smooth female-friendly track that apparently didn't make this album. He and John Legend teamed up for "Sweet Life" on the mixtape. It's quite nice.

7. "No. 1" feat. Trey Songz & Diddy (prod. Danja)

This Was Hot: I don't like it. Nothing.

This Was Not: Diddy: "First one to write a check in the earthquake / same mothafucka that'll make the earth shake." Stop.

Honorable Mention: Nope. Still nothing.

8. "MC Hammer" feat. Gucci Mane (prod. Lex Luger)

This Was Hot: I was a fan of this song long before I even heard it. The name alone told me what I was about to hear. Good, ol' fashioned, ign't rap.

This Was Not: I don't like hearing Ross talk about his penis or anal sex. I also don't think Gucci's verse adds anything to this song.

Honorable Mention: Remember the Hammer dancer with the ENORMOUS hair? I wonder what he's up to.

9. "B.M.F." (Blowin' Money Fast) feat. Styles P (prod. Lex Luger)

This Was Hot: This is the anthem the streets need. Am I in the streets? No. I'm in the office. I'm jamming though. Hallelujah.

This Was Not: See my point about the Vivica mention in "Tears of Joy."

Honorable Mention: Some people don't like how similar the beats are for this and "MC Hammer." I do. I wish "Hammer" were twice as long, so this is the next best thing. Also I should mention Sheek Louch since no one else seems to want to do that. Sheek Louch.

10. "Aston Martin Music" feat. Drake & Chrisette Michele (prod. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

This Was Hot: I don't want to like this song because I think it's pointless, but it's so damn smooth. Chrisette swoons.  Drake croons, but doesn't rap. That'll piss some people off, but I'm okay with it if I don't have to hear more of his formulaic bars.

This Was Not: What, pray-tell, is a "drop top chicken box," Ricky?

Honorable Mention: Yes, cars are important to hip-hop culture, but why not pay tribute those vehicles that, like Sheek Louch, once were hot, still exist, but now see decreasing amounts of attention? PT Cruiser Music.

11. "All the Money in the World" feat. Raphael Saadiq (prod. The Olympicks)

This Was Hot: Nothing. This song sucks.

This Was Not: NO MORE SINGING OR HARMONIZING OR WHATEVER YOU CALL YOURSELF DOING HERE ROSS!

Honorable Mention: Raphael Saadiq seems like a nice person. He might not be though, because he's famous.

I don't typically like to toss out numbered ratings, but since people seem to need them I'll go the Metacritic route and rank it on a 100-point scale. It's somewhere in the 80's, even with the songs that suck. I recommend it. I was very satisfied with this representative's service.

I got 30 cars.